-------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 10:16:34 -0700 Subject: note re: new posting policy From: Jan Slakov <> To: "Richard K. Moore" <•••@••.•••> ********************************** The following comes from Paul Tingen's web site: http://www.tingen.co.uk/ Welcome to the site of Paul Tingen, acclaimed 'Zen' guitarist, author, and meditation teacher. You'll find information on his acoustic guitar music, including MP3s, on his book 'Miles Beyond' about the electric music of Miles Davis, and some of his writings on music, mindfulness, meditation, nonviolent communication, and other life-serving topics. You can also find information on this site about the healing and teaching activities of Tingen's partner, Elena Marjanna Stevenson. de: http://www.tingen.co.uk/inspirations/nvc./meetingplace.htm A MEETING PLACE BETWEEN A LANGUAGE OF THE HEART AND A PRACTICE OF THE HEART Imagine for a moment that you're on a peace mission in Palestine and are holding a talk. Imagine that one of the Palestinians in the audience suddenly jumps up, and starts to yell at you, at the top of his voice: 'Murderer!' 'Assassin!' Before you know it, most of your 100-head strong audience have joined in, and the situation becomes threatening. How would you feel? What would you do? Some people may get by on the strength of their presence, personality or charisma, but most of us would be deeply grateful for a strategy that offers a way to defuse the situation, and more importantly, to connect with the hearts of the people in the audience. After all, that's why you're there. The news that I'd like to bring you in this article is that such a strategy exists, can easily be learnt, and has been proven to work. When it was applied in the above situation, it was so effective that the person holding the talk was invited for Ramadan supper by the very Palestinian who first shouted "murderer!" It happened to peace mediator Marshall Rosenberg a few years ago. The strategy that he applied is called 'Nonviolent Communication,' or 'Compassionate Communication.' It's also known as 'a language of the heart', or 'giraffe,' because the giraffe has the largest heart of any land-animal. Giraffes also have long necks with which they can more easily see the future consequences of their actions, and pea-sized brains that make it impossible to take in all the heady analyses and right/wrong judgements of their unfortunate counterpart, called the 'jackal.' in Nonviolent Communication. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was developed by Dr. Rosenberg, an American psychologist who once studied with Carl Rodgers. He was curious why certain people manage to stay centered and loving in the face of even the most challenging circumstances, and in a society that routinely uses coercive and controlling thinking and language, ie blame, criticism, shame and punishment, as a way of expressing its needs. Examples of this 'jackal' form of expression are adjectives like: unfair, uncaring, inattentive, dumb, controlling, dishonest, defensive, lazy, dumb, disrespectful, incompetent, or labels like 'bureaucrat,' 'asshole,' 'miser,' 'egotist,' 'nigger,' 'poof,' and so on. According to Rosenberg, 'jackal' is a "life-alienating form of thinking and communication," and the root of the immense suffering and violence that plague our planet. Many great spiritual teachers, including Thich Nhat Hanh, proclaim something similar, namely that the roots for the suffering in our society are found in the thinking of individuals. 'If you have a gun, you can kill a dozen people, if you have an ideology and try to enforce it, you can kill millions.' This is, because that is. Meditation is one way of quieting the noisy judgements of our rational mind. Thich Nhat Hanh has called meditation our "appointment with ourselves." It is an opportunity to listen to ourselves, to listen to our heart, to practice compassion and deep understanding. Add his emphasis on relationships, families, communities, and reconciliation, and one could call his path 'a practice of the heart.' My contention is that this 'practice of the heart' and NVC's 'language of the heart' are delightfully complementary and mutually reinforcing. Like mindfulness practice, Rosenberg's 'giraffe' language is simple and very powerful. He has looked deeply into the nature of the way we habitually think and communicate, and offers the most radical and hopeful alternative that I have come across. And like Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings, his alternative strongly emphasizes non-duality and reconciliation. Incidentally, it cannot be stressed enough that the 'giraffe'-'jackal' duality that NVC seems to create, is illusory, and only intended to meet needs for learning and clarity. In the end, there are no 'jackals,' only 'giraffes with a language problem.' *** The quintessences of NVC and Thich Nhat Hanh's practice are so similar as to be almost identical. Like me, Rosenberg loves the poem by Rumi quoted on the Inspirations page, and he often uses it to describe the essence of NVC. For me this poem expresses exactly the same sentiment as Thich Nhat Hanh's most-quoted poem Please Call Me By My True Names, which is non-judgement, interbeing, and compassion. NVC takes a big leap into this new paradigm by doing away with all coercive and controlling thinking and language, expressed in words like 'right,' 'wrong,' 'too' this or that, 'should,' 'ought,' and so on. When I encountered NVC I realized that all I'd done during my years of spiritual practice was to extend the limits of the 'wrong' behavior that I was willing to look deeply at with compassion and understanding. But I still felt that there were such things as 'right' and 'wrong' behavior, and I still sometimes labeled people and their behavior in ways that dehumanized them, using words like incompetent, slow, boring, cruel, inconsiderate, self-centered, selfish, thrifty, and so on. However, and this is a concept that's initially hard to accept, NVC recommends eradicating every sense of rightdoing and wrongdoing; to go all the way and not even judge murder or the destruction of our environment as 'wrong.' We can immediately sense the enormous ramifications. For most people, myself included when I first heard about it, this feels like a terrifying leap into the unknown. How can we protect our freedom and our safety and peace and the beauty and richness of our planet if we cannot say that cutting down all the rainforests, murdering people, or selling weapons, is wrong? It is important to state that by not judging these actions, NVC does not condone them either. Instead it offers a powerful language with which we can express our likes and dislikes, our values and our needs, in a non-coercive, non-blaming, nonviolent way, that is likely to be much more effective in creating what we want. NVC does this by employing three masterstrokes: a. it relates our feelings to our needs, and not to the events that happen around us b. it defines needs as universal, divine qualities that all human beings share c. it distinguishes our needs from "specific, do-able, here and now requests." .From these premises a common language of the heart springs that all human beings share and understand. Another way of putting it is that 'giraffe' is a way of connecting with, and communicating with, our own and the other person's Divine nature. In order to explain how it works, I need to get a little bit technical and outlay the fundamentals of the 'giraffe' language. It may seem a little bit complicated at first, and like any new language needs repeated practice to be applied fluently. But once we 'get it,' it will feel much more natural than our habitual 'jackal' language of blame, shame and punishment. As Gandhi once observed: 'don't confuse what's habitual with what's natural.' (By the way, Gandhi's term "nonviolence" was the inspiration for the titling of NVC.) "Classic giraffe" employs the following four steps: 1) Observation. Identify what we see in purely descriptive language. This means no evaluations or interpretations. Krishnamurti called this the most difficult thing a human being can do. Thich Nhat Hanh also often emphasizes the importance of double-checking our perceptions. 2) Feelings. Get in touch with how we feel in the present moment, and name pure feelings. 'I feel rejected,' or 'I feel misunderstood' are feelings mixed with evaluations, and unhelpful. Instead communicate heart feelings such as: sad, hurt, frustrated, happy, sceptical, resistant, touched, serene, mindful, intrigued, relaxed, open, scared, optimistic, etc etc. Naming our feelings without evaluation is an aspect of the 'stopping' aspect of mindfulness practice, and very complementary with NVC. 3) Needs. Identify the here and now need that is causing our feeling. For example, "I feel scared because I don't get any safety," or "I feel joyful because of the appreciation I'm getting," or "I feel frustrated because I'm not getting respect." 4) Request. Ask for a specific action that is do-able right here and right now. This offers a practical opportunity for creating heart-connection and making each other's life more wonderful. This is the bridge that connects people. To summarize, the four "classic giraffe" steps are: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Do-able requests. In a real-life situation, this may sound something like: "When I hear you screaming, I feel scared, because I'm not getting the safety I want. Please would you lower your voice?" Note that the speaker does not use any judgmental language, such as that the person screaming is "wrong," or "too loud." The speaker simply expresses his or her own feelings and needs, and follows it with a specific, do-able request. Another "classic giraffe" phrase may sound like: "When you smile at me, I feel warm and touched, because it meets my need for being seen and appreciated. Could you tell me how you feel when you hear me say that?" Note that 'giraffe' grammar always puts "I" with "I", and "you with "you." I always feel something because I want something, and you always feel things because you want something. A 'giraffe' never believes that her feelings are caused by someone else's actions, nor does he believe that he can cause someone else's feelings. A 'giraffe' always has two choices of expression: honesty, ie expressing her own feelings and needs; or empathy, ie hearing the other person's feelings and needs, regardless of how they are expressed. This is the whole NVC paradigm in a nutshell. By contrast, the jackal always puts "I" in relation to "you," ie "I'm feeling scared because you're shouting," or "I'm feeling warm because you're smiling at me." *** When Marshall Rosenberg was addressing the above mentioned group of Palestinians in a Palestinian refugee camp and was called "Murderer!", "Assassin!" and so on, he practiced empathy in response. He realized that the speaker's exhortations might have had something to do with the fact that tear gas canisters had been shot into the camp the night before, with the words "Made in the USA" printed on them. So Rosenberg guessed the speaker's feelings and needs: "Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently?" The man shouted more angry words in response. Rosenberg noted: "Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind each statement. I didn't disagree or agree. I received the man's words not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human, willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me. Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, he invited me to his home for Ramadan dinner." Rosenberg was able to "practice compassionate listening and loving speech" with the Palestinian because he was able to hear the man's needs underneath his words, and because he did not immediately try to 'fix' things by suggesting practical solutions. In other words, he didn't immediately go to specific request level at this stage. The importance of this separation of needs and requests is that makes it possible for us to connect on the common ground of our universal, human needs. Examples of what NVC calls needs (and some call 'wants' or 'values') are: air, food, shelter, sleep, empathy, love, compassion, understanding, connection, community, touch, closeness, acceptance, peace, mindfulness, support, adventure, safety, appreciation, contribution, growth, justice, equality, fairness, reassurance, independence, authenticity, aliveness, respect, trust, sharing, giving, serving, learning, and so on, and on. Is there anyone reading this who does not share these needs? I don't think so. Sadly, needs have a bad press in our society, which is the reason why we tend to express them tragically in ways that are least likely to get them met, in judgements and blame. The confusion of needs and requests has also led many Buddhist practitioners to misapply the concept of non-attachment to needs, and to deny their needs, usually with disastrous results. By contrast, non-attachment is a helpful practice when we use it to become free from certain here and now actions by which we try to fulfil our needs. For example, we all, in varying degrees, want comfort, safety, stability and predictability. These are universal needs. In our society, many think that the best way to fulfill them is through having lots of money. But when we look more deeply, we may see that there are other ways to fulfill these needs, and that our attachment to money may be alienating us from other needs that we have, like connection or contribution. We may discover that we can get our needs met better through mindfulness practice, through choosing a different life-style, through living in community, and that these actions will also improve our connection with our family, and contribute to the well-being of the planet. Conversely, we may have a need to contribute to stamping out the hunger on our planet, in which case raising lots of money will be a request-level way to fulfill this need. Arguments or wars between people do not happen because there is disagreement about needs, but rather because of the way people go about getting their needs met. In other words, arguments and wars happen on the specific-request level. If we can translate these actions into feelings and needs, we can begin to recognize common ground we have with the other person, community or country. Rosenberg has many examples of how, once conflicting parties started to connect on the level of feelings and needs, they then managed to find practical solutions to even the most seemingly impossible situations. This has been demonstrated in various conflict-ridden areas around the world where NVC has been applied, such as the Middle-East, the Balkan, Rwanda, between rival gangs in Los Angeles, and so on. It is deeply sad that we are taught in our society to communicate our needs through the pointing finger, rather than the outstretched hand. Once again, it is crucial to emphasize that NVC does not call this 'jackal' behavior "wrong," because that would simply express the same 'right-wrong' paradigm. Instead, NVC suggests that "blame and judgement are tragic ways of expressing our unmet needs." Anybody who expresses 'jackal' is in pain and in need, and this makes compassion and connection with the poor 'jackal,' whether our own or someone else's possible. Everything we ever say is either "thank you" or "please." 'Jackal' is simply an unskillful way of expressing this. *** There are many techniques that can be learnt to further 'giraffe' communication, and there are many more areas of compatibility between NVC and Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings, but there is not enough space here to explain them all, so I'll just mention two. The emphasis in NVC is always very much on present moment feelings and needs. Rosenberg says: "Spend more than five words on the past and the chances that you'll get your present moment needs met diminish with every word." What is alive in you or me right this very moment, is always the crucial question for a 'giraffe,' and this naturally fits in very well with the focus on the present moment in mindfulness practice. Finally, the topic of anger shows up another impressive area of compatibility between NVC and Thich Nhat Hanh's practice. Rosenberg argues that there are four feelings that do not arise from our needs not being met, but rather from what we tell ourselves about our needs not being met. These 'secondary' emotions are anger, guilt, shame and depression. In their case the 'giraffe' grammar would be: "I feel angry/guilty/ashamed/depressed, because of what I think about..." NVC recommends that we stop when we notice anger arising in us, and wait until we are sure that we can respond from a point of our choosing, and not with a knee-jerk 'jackal' reaction. It recommends that we use this stopping to watch "the jackal-show" in our head (ie our angry tapes of judgement and blame), and to identify the feelings and needs that underlie our anger. When we are ready, we communicate our feelings and needs. The parallels with Thich Nhat Hanh's practice are remarkable. Thich Nhat Hanh gives many examples of how our anger melts like snow in the sun the moment we have true understanding of a situation or a person. This makes the same point: we're not angry because of a particular situation, we're angry because of what we tell ourselves about that situation. When we are able to look more deeply, and can connect with the human suffering that underlies another person's actions, our anger often vanishes. However, my experience is that sometimes my anger does not disappear when I understand the other person, and this is now a sign for me that I need to express my feelings and needs. This is where the practices recommended by Thich Nhat Hanh and NVC in how to deal with anger are beautifully complementary. Stopping is the core of mindfulness practice, and conscious breathing is its wonderful vehicle. We can use this practice to "watch the jackal show," look deeply, and identify our feelings and needs. This is the same as meditating on the seeds of our anger. Once we have transformed our anger enough, once we are in touch with our Buddha-nature again, we can use 'giraffe' to express what we see, feel and want. These 'giraffe' techniques can help us express ourselves more effectively and truthfully, improving our chances of creating a heart-connection with the other person, and from that place it will be much easier to find do-able solutions that meet everybody's needs. Mindfulness practice is the best way I know of to put me in touch with my heart, or my Buddha or Christ nature. And once I'm in this "field out beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing," 'giraffe' is the best way of expressing this. Meditation and mediation go hand in hand. 'Giraffe' is an empowering language that allows us to speak up about how we feel and what we want, in relation to anything we like or don't like. This may be a beautiful smile, help with the washing up, peace in Northern Ireland, a stifled silence in our family, pollution of the environment, mass murder, or people shouting at us during a meeting. Combining 'NVC's 'language of the heart' with Thich Nhat Hanh's 'practice of the heart' gives us powerful instruments for the transformation of ourselves, our relationships, our communities, and the world. I hope that this article has made you curious enough to look more deeply into the 'giraffe' language, and discover whether learning more about it may help you meet more of your needs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ © 2000 Paul Tingen. You are welcome to copy and distribute this article, unchanged and in its entirety, as long as you inform me when you do so. If you want to adapt it, or use sections of it, please liaise with me. -- -------------------------------------------------------- http://cyberjournal.org "Apocalypse Now and the Brave New World" http://www.cyberjournal.org/cj/rkm/Apocalypse_and_NWO.html Posting archives: http://cyberjournal.org/cj/show_archives/?date=01Jan2006&batch=25&lists=newslog Subscribe to low-traffic list: •••@••.••• ___________________________________________ In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. 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